The Take Out Move

Intolerable virtually from beginning to end, The Take Out Move follows two men (Jeremy Sless’ Whalen and Nick Grace’s Davis) as they compete for the affections of Alexandra Miles’ Amber after receiving instructions from a mysterious figure. It’s an oddball (yet workable) premise that’s employed as a springboard for a series of tedious set-pieces and aggressively misguided comedic conversations, as filmmaker Andrew Simonian, armed with his own screenplay, delivers a pervasively, perpetually amateurish endeavor that feels like something a group of high schoolers concocted in their free time – with the far-from-accomplished atmosphere exacerbated by an ongoing emphasis on baffling, deeply unfunny asides and bits of dialogue (eg Amber repeatedly tells one of the guys to ice his vagina after an injury, Whalen goes off on a hopelessly silly rant about pickles, etc). And although the three central performers admittedly possess a fair amount of charm, The Take Out Move forces them into uniformly strained and artificial situations that couldn’t possibly be less interesting or compelling (eg Amber delivers a completely off-key rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner, Whalen and Davis take turns hitting each other’s genitals, etc) – which, when coupled with a 75 minute runtime that feels just endless, cements the picture’s place as a thoroughly disagreeable and distasteful misfire that remains unable to become the fun, easygoing endeavor Simonian has obviously intended.

1/2* out of ****