An endless trainwreck, St. Agatha follows a circa 1950s young woman (Sabrina Kern’s Mary) as she arrives at a remote convent to escape her abusive father and give birth to an out-of-wedlock baby – with Mary’s experiences taking a decidedly sinister turn once the institute’s evil Mother Superior (Carolyn Hennesy) makes her true intentions known. It’s clear immediately that St. Agatha boasts few, if any, attributes designed to capture and sustain the viewer’s interest, as filmmaker Darren Lynn Bousman, working from Andy Demetrio, Shaun Fletcher, Sara Sometti Michaels, and Clint Sears’ paint-by-number screenplay, delivers a slow-moving and hopelessly familiar narrative that’s overflowing with tedious, hackneyed elements – with the pervasively generic vibe reflected in the one-dimensional characters and often unreasonably predictable storyline. (There’s even a laughably stale sequence in which Mary attempts to convince a skeptical cop that shady things are afoot within the building.) There’s little doubt, too, that the excessively deliberate pace serves only to highlight the script’s less-than-creative bent, while Bousman’s dark and styleless visuals ensure that St. Agatha‘s hands-off feel remains firmly in place for the duration of its interminable 90 minutes – which confirms the movies place as an uncommonly misguided and misbegotten horror effort.
no stars out of ****