NetherBeast Incorporated

It’s certainly not surprising to learn that NetherBeast Incorporated started out as a five-minute short, as the film generally feels as though its been unnaturally padded-out to fill a feature-length running time – with its various problems exacerbated by a relentlessly quirky atmosphere that becomes oppressive right from the word go. The movie transpires almost entirely within the confines of a well-established telephone company, where, for generations, vampires have worked and lived without ever leaving its walls. Problems ensue after the senile top dog (Darrell Hammond’s Turner Claymore) forgets that he’s a bloodsucker and subsequently hires a productivity consultant (Judd Nelson’s Steven Landry), which leaves the various employees (including Steve Burns’ Otto, Jason Mewes’ Dan, and Dave Foley’s Henry) scrambling to ensure that their deadly secret remains hidden. Director Dean Ronalds has infused NetherBeast Incorporated with an exceedingly flat visual sensibility that proves effective in highlighting the film’s almost distractingly low-rent production values, with the egregiously shoddy vibe compounded by Tim Clark’s headache-inducing score and Bruce Dellis’ penchant for punctuating virtually every line of his screenplay with eye-rollingly unfunny bits of comedy. And while Dellis does include a veritable mountain of backstory for the vampires and their various rules (the majority of which is, not surprisingly, absolutely pointless), the film’s lack of plot leaves the hopelessly broad characters with little to do other than spout dialogue that’s almost uniformly inauthentic and inane (eg there’s a long, woefully drawn-out argument revolving around the meaning behind the old “tortoise and the hare” fable). Were this a garden-variety sitcom, NetherBeast Incorporated would still feel like a tremendous waste of time – although, in all fairness, the movie is never quite as flat-out boring as one might’ve feared (ie it’s watchable in an elevator-music sort of way).

*1/2 out of ****