Eternals

Directed by Chloé Zhao, Eternals follows an assortment of god-like superheroes, including Richard Madden’s Ikaris, Salma Hayek’s Ajak, Kumail Nanjiani’s Kingo, and Angelina Jolie’s Thena, as they attempt to protect Earth from vicious villains known as Deviants. Filmmaker Zhao, working from a screenplay written with Patrick Burleigh, Ryan Firpo, and Kaz Firpo, kicks Eternals off with a less-than-promising opening stretch that establishes a series of scarcely-developed protagonists and throws them into a scenario that couldn’t possibly be more underwhelming (and uninvolving), as the movie, which runs a punishing, interminable 157 minutes (!), eventually progresses into a sluggish, uneventful midsection that seems to consist solely of dull conversations within (admittedly impressive) wide-open vistas. The aggressively meandering atmosphere ensures that there’s just never a point at which the viewer is able to work up an ounce of interest in or sympathy for the characters’ ongoing exploits, which, in turn, paves the way for an endless climax that contains some of the most laughable (and flat-out unconvincing) computer-generated special effects to come around in a long, long time. The final result is a completely misguided and misbegotten piece of work that stands as the absolute nadir of both the Marvel Cinematic Universe and Zhao’s filmography, and one can’t help but wonder, ultimately, how these awful, one-dimensional heroes managed to finagle themselves a (massively overlong and poorly-paced) movie devoted to their consistently tedious endeavors.

1/2* out of ****

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