Columbus Day

Charles Burmeister’s feature-length debut, Columbus Day follows career criminal John Cologne (Val Kilmer) as he pulls off the heist of his life and subsequently hides out within Los Angeles’ Echo Park district. There, John attempts to secure a buyer for his highly illicit (and extremely valuable) merchandise while also reaching out to those closest to him – including his estranged daughter (Ashley Johnson’s Alana), his sympathetic ex-wife (Marg Helgenberger’s Alice), and his not-so-sympathetic girlfriend (Ivana Milicevic’s Cheryl). There’s little doubt that Burmeister’s ongoing efforts at luring the viewer into the pared-down proceedings fall uniformly flat, as the filmmaker’s inability to transform the Kilmer’s John Cologne into a figure worth rooting for ensures that the plotless atmosphere becomes oppressive almost immediately. It subsequently goes without saying that John’s interactions with the movie’s various supporting characters, including a precocious young boy (Bobb’e J. Thompson’s Antoine) and an irritable fence (Wilmer Valderrama’s Max), are hardly as fascinating as Burmeister clearly wants/needs them to be, yet, to be fair, John’s periodic phone calls to his ex-wife ultimately manage to make a mild emotional impact thanks primarily to the palpable chemistry between Kilmer and Helgenberger. And although the stakes couldn’t possibly be higher for Kilmer’s laid-back character, Burmeister proves unable to infuse Columbus Day with even a hint of suspense or tension – thus cementing the film’s place as a disappointing misfire of not-quite-epic proportions.

** out of ****