Battleship

Epically bad in virtually every way imaginable, Battleship follows several one-dimensional characters as they attempt to defeat a squadron of heavily-armed aliens – with the film, impressively (and laughably), incorporating elements from the eponymous children’s game. There’s little doubt that Battleship establishes its pervasive incompetence right from the get-go, as the movie kicks off with a surprisingly tedious opening stretch detailing the exploits of reluctant hero Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) – with the character’s rote, by-the-numbers arc exacerbated by Kitsch’s bland and hopelessly uncharismatic performance. (It doesn’t help, either, that Kitsch has been surrounded by non-actors, with Brooklyn Decker and Rihanna’s less-than-stellar work perpetuating the movie’s decidedly lackluster atmosphere.) It’s not until the film segues into its action-heavy midsection that Battleship truly becomes an unwatchable piece of work, as director Peter Berg has infused such moments with an unreasonably over-the-top sensibility that immediately proves both disastrous and exhausting (ie it’s all just so meaningless). The overuse of generic computer-generated special effects – ie this stuff feels like leftovers from the Transformers series – ensures that the myriad of battle sequences are akin to video game cut scenes, with the resulting absence of context or excitement playing an integral role in the movie’s astonishing (and palpable) downfall. By the time the interminable, seemingly endless climax rolls around, Battleship has definitively established itself as nothing less than an intolerable and flat-out reprehensible waste of time – which is surprising, certainly, given the presence of Berg behind the camera (ie the filmmaker is, after all, responsible for such entertaining fare as Hancock and Very Bad Things).

1/2* out of ****